My life with a little, tiny, loud person (originally written in June, 2001)

Life with a toddler is nothing short of INSANE!

My goal in the grocery store is to be in and out in less than ten minutes. Julia hates sitting in the cart. Sure, on a GOOD day, I get her to sit there for nearly three full minutes by giving her some crackers. Forget the seat belt or I won't even get those three glorious, carefree minutes. After that, she'll start to stand up and I end up carrying her on my hip and pushing the cart with my other hand, cracker crumbs dropping from her hand in a trail like the one made by Hansel and Gretel.

The sitting on my hip arrangement suits Julia for the next two or three minutes until she starts wriggling and squirming and twisting and saying loudly "down" over and over and over and over again. I can try to put her back in the cart again, but usually that's met with an entire body tantrum, complete with kicking, screaming, thrashing, crying, and more thrashing. So instead of risking a tantrum, I put her down. "Stay with Mommy," I say, maybe just to amuse myself. You can imagine how much thought I give to comparing prices as she toddles quickly away.

Does this cantaloupe look edible? Sure. OK, I'll take six. There's absolutely no logical thinking that four or five of them will go bad before we eat them. I'm thinking more along the lines of if I buy enough now, I won't have to go grocery shopping again until Julia is seven years old.

OK Amy, use LOGICAL THINLKING. If I'm not coming back for five years, I should get a lot more than six. I better buy 15 cantaloupes and maybe 20 watermelons. And quickly! Throw them in the cart. Let's just get out of this store already! I certainly don't want a repeat of last month's broken pickle jar incident! And so we pay and leave, having not even gotten past the produce, Aisle One. Forget the milk in Aisle Eight. I’ll just squeeze some cantaloupe juice or watermelon juice instead.

Our dinner conversations have become interesting. I categorize and list the injuries Julia sustained that day. She fell off a kitchen chair. Later she banged her head on the cupboard. Those were the morning injuries. She fell when running, scraping a knee and a hand, and later shut her fingers in a drawer. Those were the afternoon injuries.

Then there's a whole separate category I call the tantrum injuries, which can occur at any time of the day or night. I've noticed she doesn't really care to hear the word, "no." So if she is in some life-or-death situation like playing with the stove or running into the street, and I use that terrible n-word, she throws herself down on the ground banging her head and she starts kicking whatever happens to be in the way so she hurts her foot. Tantrum injuries.

Then she is FURIOUS and of course it's ALL MY FAULT. I mean she is SOOOOOO FURIOUS. Many times it's best to look away and pretend you saw nothing, you know if there's not blood gushing out of any part of her body.

I treasure my privacy, those peaceful moments when I am all by myself. I have to be strategic about planning it. "Julia, look what Mommy has." I place her baby doll in the little stroller. This captures her attention. She toddles over to me with a huge smile and I help her push the stroller. Then she takes over. She pushes the stroller while I gently say, "I'll be right back. Push the baby in the stroller." Then I quickly slip into the bathroom. She excitedly obeys and pushes the toy for at least an entire minute. And usually that's when the realization sets in.

She has been completely abandoned! And the screaming starts, typically accompanied by kicking and pounding on the door. "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Meanwhile, I'm taking my relaxing three and a half minute shower. I mean that's the TOTAL time. I brush my teeth, get into the shower, soap up and shampoo, rinse, dry off, throw on some clothes and run a comb through my hair. But I am lucky to feel partially clean and refreshed. A friend of mine who also has a toddler hasn't taken a shower in three days. I wonder why.

Now it's getting time for Julia's "nappy." I don't HAVE to revolve my activities around her naps, but the consequence of NOT doing so is extremely painful for anyone within a mile radius. If I don't allow her to take a good two-hour nap in a comfortable bed, everyone's lives become even more unbearable than they already were. Trust me on that.

And if I drive a short distance and Julia falls asleep in the car for five or ten minutes, that's BAD! Horrendous mistake! Instead of the peaceful two-hour nappy plan, there is no way that child will fall asleep again until 10 or 11:00. LOOK OUT WORLD, there's a sleep-deprived toddler on the loose. (Why is it that well-rested child go to sleep relatively easily, but sleep-deprived children who NEED SLEEP can't fall asleep without putting up one heck of a fight? What a cruel trick of nature!)

Toddlers are great fun and I am blessed to have one!