My life with a little, tiny, loud person (originally written in June, 2001)

Life with a toddler is nothing short of INSANE!

My goal in the grocery store is to be in and out in less than ten minutes. Julia hates sitting in the cart. Sure, on a GOOD day, I get her to sit there for nearly three full minutes by giving her some crackers. Forget the seat belt or I won't even get those three glorious, carefree minutes. After that, she'll start to stand up and I end up carrying her on my hip and pushing the cart with my other hand, cracker crumbs dropping from her hand in a trail like the one made by Hansel and Gretel.

The sitting on my hip arrangement suits Julia for the next two or three minutes until she starts wriggling and squirming and twisting and saying loudly "down" over and over and over and over again. I can try to put her back in the cart again, but usually that's met with an entire body tantrum, complete with kicking, screaming, thrashing, crying, and more thrashing. So instead of risking a tantrum, I put her down. "Stay with Mommy," I say, maybe just to amuse myself. You can imagine how much thought I give to comparing prices as she toddles quickly away.

Does this cantaloupe look edible? Sure. OK, I'll take six. There's absolutely no logical thinking that four or five of them will go bad before we eat them. I'm thinking more along the lines of if I buy enough now, I won't have to go grocery shopping again until Julia is seven years old.

OK Amy, use LOGICAL THINLKING. If I'm not coming back for five years, I should get a lot more than six. I better buy 15 cantaloupes and maybe 20 watermelons. And quickly! Throw them in the cart. Let's just get out of this store already! I certainly don't want a repeat of last month's broken pickle jar incident! And so we pay and leave, having not even gotten past the produce, Aisle One. Forget the milk in Aisle Eight. I’ll just squeeze some cantaloupe juice or watermelon juice instead.

Our dinner conversations have become interesting. I categorize and list the injuries Julia sustained that day. She fell off a kitchen chair. Later she banged her head on the cupboard. Those were the morning injuries. She fell when running, scraping a knee and a hand, and later shut her fingers in a drawer. Those were the afternoon injuries.

Then there's a whole separate category I call the tantrum injuries, which can occur at any time of the day or night. I've noticed she doesn't really care to hear the word, "no." So if she is in some life-or-death situation like playing with the stove or running into the street, and I use that terrible n-word, she throws herself down on the ground banging her head and she starts kicking whatever happens to be in the way so she hurts her foot. Tantrum injuries.

Then she is FURIOUS and of course it's ALL MY FAULT. I mean she is SOOOOOO FURIOUS. Many times it's best to look away and pretend you saw nothing, you know if there's not blood gushing out of any part of her body.

I treasure my privacy, those peaceful moments when I am all by myself. I have to be strategic about planning it. "Julia, look what Mommy has." I place her baby doll in the little stroller. This captures her attention. She toddles over to me with a huge smile and I help her push the stroller. Then she takes over. She pushes the stroller while I gently say, "I'll be right back. Push the baby in the stroller." Then I quickly slip into the bathroom. She excitedly obeys and pushes the toy for at least an entire minute. And usually that's when the realization sets in.

She has been completely abandoned! And the screaming starts, typically accompanied by kicking and pounding on the door. "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Meanwhile, I'm taking my relaxing three and a half minute shower. I mean that's the TOTAL time. I brush my teeth, get into the shower, soap up and shampoo, rinse, dry off, throw on some clothes and run a comb through my hair. But I am lucky to feel partially clean and refreshed. A friend of mine who also has a toddler hasn't taken a shower in three days. I wonder why.

Now it's getting time for Julia's "nappy." I don't HAVE to revolve my activities around her naps, but the consequence of NOT doing so is extremely painful for anyone within a mile radius. If I don't allow her to take a good two-hour nap in a comfortable bed, everyone's lives become even more unbearable than they already were. Trust me on that.

And if I drive a short distance and Julia falls asleep in the car for five or ten minutes, that's BAD! Horrendous mistake! Instead of the peaceful two-hour nappy plan, there is no way that child will fall asleep again until 10 or 11:00. LOOK OUT WORLD, there's a sleep-deprived toddler on the loose. (Why is it that well-rested child go to sleep relatively easily, but sleep-deprived children who NEED SLEEP can't fall asleep without putting up one heck of a fight? What a cruel trick of nature!)

Toddlers are great fun and I am blessed to have one!

If you act NOW

My nine-year-old Julia is quite the handful, to say the least. She has always been a tough one, starting back when she was in the womb. Some days I wonder how we will both survive. Just the thought of this insurmountable task makes me feel so overwhelmed.

So one fine night we had a HUGE fight/disagreement/behavior problem/issue. I might expect this from an adolescent, but let me remind you that she is only NINE.

That's when I decided to put her up for adoption on Facebook. Maybe someone else would have more success raising her. Maybe Julia wouldn't argue so much with another person in charge. After all, she is an angel at school.

You might think I am happy that she's so well-behaved at school, but why does she turn into a devil with horns as soon as she steps off the bus and runs through the door? Does this mean I completely inept as a mother?

After pondering this for a while, I decided that YES, I am FAILING MISERABLY at my job, so I need to find a replacement mom ASAP who might have better luck.

When I first offered Julia up for adoption, I got no response. But then some HOPE. One of Kerry's best friends, Melanie McBroom from Kentucky, asked me, "How is she with cleaning?"

I had to tell the TRUTH because what if Melanie adopted her thinking she is nice and neat, but Julia turned out to be a complete slob? Then Melanie would be stuck finding another adoptive parent and she probably wouldn't come visit us any more. So that's no good.

So in response to "how is she with cleaning?" I had to say, "She has been known to clean when threatened." Yeah, that's pretty true.

Well, that was all the interest that Melanie showed in the adoption. That's when I made the decision to offer a big screen TV as a gift IF YOU ACT NOW.

But no one "ACTED NOW" like people do with informercials. Maybe everyone already has a big screen TV? I don't know. So I offered a big microwave oven too. This microwave is so powerful that it actually cuts cooking time in half!

Still no one acted NOW and now now is later, not now anymore. I don't understand. I guess these free gifts weren't really the latest in technology. Maybe I should have offered a 2009 SUV? I don't know.

Finally, Lisa Kendig Black, my cousin from San Diego, offered a trade. She would take Julia if I took her son Alex. Alex is five years old. He's very cute and very smart. He has red hair and freckles and he is extremely articulate and full of spunk.

While I know that I would enjoy Alex, Lisa did NOT offer any free gifts!
I wanted a free computer with a color printer, a stereo, a digital camera...... anything!!! But no, Lisa offered nothing. Well, you know, nothing except her son.

So after thinking about it a while, I decided not to take Alex and to keep Julia a little while longer. Who knows. Maybe some miracles will happen, lots and lots of miracles, and Julia will turn into a civilized person. Yeah, lots and lots of miracles.

Kerry is glad to keep her little sister. She's actually the one who officially took her down from adoption. (I don't know how to say that. I "put her up for adoption." So I am assuming it would be accurate to say that Kerry "took her down from adoption.")

Yeah, apparently Julia helped Kerry with her resumes and envelopes and it was a lot of work, so she decided to keep her for now. OK, I guess I'll keep her

A lousy speeding ticket

As I was driving to a gymnastics meet in Pottsville, PA, a 4 1/2 hour ride, Grandma and Julia passed the time playing games. They played the alphabet game, finding an "a" then a "b" and so on.

They played the "A" my name is Annabelle and my husband's name is Andrew. . . game. And they played ,"the point game," more accurately "the pointless game." They received a point for being the first to spot a clothesline, an animal, a flag, an out-of-state license plate Each find was worth one point, except for police cars, which were worth 10 points. It was a pretty nice trip. We stayed with my cousin Ed and his wife Marcia for two nights.

The gymnastics meet was fun, but then it was time to go home. It was an exhausting trip and I had 4 1/2 hours of driving ahead of me. Julia fell asleep right away and my mother was dosing in the front seat. I had to stay awake and alert.

After two or three hours the road just seemed to be never-ending and unconsciously I drove faster and faster, until I passed a state trooper hiding on the right hand side.

I was caught in his trap and I knew it. So I pulled over to the side of the road, the flashing lights right behind me. This was my first ticket in over 15 years. Darn it!

My mother is fairly deaf. She misses a lot of things that are said. But did she miss the policeman telling me the speed at which I was traveling? Oh no. She heard that loud and clear.

Anyway, the trooper took his time writing the ticket. I commented to Grandma that I was glad that Julia was sleeping through this. But that was short-lived. She awoke to find a policeman right at the window handing me the ticket.

And what did Julia say but, "On the positive side of things, I get 10 points for the police car."

Julia's half birthday

"Mommy, Kerry, today is my half birthday," Julia shouted to us from downstairs, proudly announcing that she is 9 1/2. I looked at the calendar and sure enough, Julia had written that it was her half birthday on April 22. On the 21st, she had even written "Julia's half birthday eve."
She wanted a cake. "Julia, people don't get cakes for their half birthdays."

"Well, then I want a half a cake." Hmmmmmm. She is an interesting child, don't you think?

Keriann goes to first grade

How exciting! Keriann was all ready to start first grade. All of these are completely true.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL (Tues.) - Keriann is very excited about starting school. She's especially happy to ride the school bus with her friend Bryna. Bryna was to come get Keriann at 7:55 a.m. Keriann arose before I did and was dressed and ready to go at 6:45. That meant she had one hour and ten minutes to ask repeatedly when it was time to go.
Keriann took a nutritious snack (carrots) and $1.25 for lunch. She came home with $1.25 and a note saying she owes $1.25. She told me, "It was too late to pay." She wanted to bring a packed lunch the next day because she doesn't know when to pay.

2nd day (Wed.) - Keriann brought a cut up apple for a snack. I gave her the $1.25 for Tuesday's lunch, $1.25 for today's lunch plus 35 cents for icecream. When I asked if she enjoyed her icecream, she told me she didn't have enough money for icecream. Then she pulled out another note saying she owed 65 cents for today's lunch. Now I was confused.

3rd day (Thurs.) -Keriann brought a baggie of carrots for a snack. I wrote the teacher a note explaining the amounts of money I sent yesterday. I asked, "Did Keriann lose some of it?" I taped the note to her folder, which goes back and forth between the teacher and me every day. All I sent was the $1.25 for today's lunch.
The teacher never got the note. Keriann came home with another note saying she owes 65 cents.

4th day (Fri.) - I sent $1.25 for today's lunch, 65 cents for Wed.'s lunch, a cut-up apple for a snack and this time I wrote directly on the folder instructing Keriann several times to "show this to Miss Davis." I told Miss Davis, "Keriann lost $1.00 on Wed."
Finally, success. Miss Davis actually received my note, and yes, she did find a dollar that no one claimed. The money came home with Keriann that day. Four baggies full of decayed snacks came home on Friday too.

Yes, this promises to be a GREAT year!!!

Santa's Test

I knew the Santa questions were coming, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be for another year or two. Did Santa really fly from house to house leaving presents for obedient children?

Eight-year-old Julia made a lot of messes in our house and she didn’t always clean up. Maybe Santa put her on the naughty list. I mean, she made A LOT of messes, enormous ones. Maybe Santa would just skip our house this year.

Was Santa real? Some of the kids at school said he doesn’t even exist. What does THAT mean? Is Mommy the real Santa?

“This whole Santa thing is like realistic fiction,” she told me. HMMMMMM. That was a good sign, I thought. Surely that comment means she's paying attention at school, because I know she didn't pick up the "realistic fiction" stuff from ME. I'm sure I never uttered those words in my life.

But I wondered what could possibly be "realistic" about the flying reindeer, one with a nose that glows, a portly man who goes down chimneys and a flight around the world in one night. She wanted to see this as realistic. Sure, realistic.

“I’m going to be checking handwriting,” she told me. As a mother, I felt the pull of my job getting more difficult. I couldn’t make mistakes or I would step on Julia’s childhood. Squash. I didn’t want that to happen.

So I did what any loving, caring mother would do. I lied a little, I tricked her, and I invaded her privacy. I hope she appreciates it!

“I’m going to test Santa,” she confided in me. “I told him three things I want that I’m not telling anybody else.”

“What did you ask for?” I asked.

“Mom, I told you. They’re secrets. I’m not telling you.”

How could I get away with this? I felt stuck all day and then suddenly, an epiphany, and I came up with a plan.

I convinced Julia that because Santa is old like me, he needs to have things written down to remember them. With all those children to keep track of, he needed lists. Immediately, she jumped out of her chair away from the dinner table to get a pen and paper. She wrote him a letter and left it folded up on the dining room table.

A few minutes later, while Julia was doing handstands in the living room, I peeked at the letter. Hurry up! My stomach tightened as I snuck around doing the dirty work. I don’t think I’d make a very good criminal. I had reached my limit. That’s about as “crooked” as I could possibly get. Any more criminal acts and I’m sure I’d keel over with a heart attack.

Later on, I told her she should seal the letter in an envelope and write “Santa Claus, North Pole” on it. She did and then we drove it to the special North Pole mailbox in front of the library.

She questioned me. Would her letter need a stamp? No Mam. Letters that say, “Santa Claus” go directly northward and are delivered to the front door of Santa’s toy shop, I told her.
Julia secretly had asked Santa for two specific Bailey School Kids books. One was called, “The Bride of Frankenstein Doesn’t Bake Cookies” and I forget now what the other was, but I drove to Borders the next day, on Christmas Eve and OH NO!

Some tall, skinny employee kid who looked like he was about 14 told me those books are from an older series, so Borders didn’t carry all of them. There were other Bailey School Kids books, but not the ones she told Santa she wanted.

What? Santa would fail his test! Did this Border’s kid understand we had a Santa crisis on our hands? He didn’t even seem to care!!!!

I bought a couple of Bailey School Kids books, but they weren’t the right ones. Then I remembered, Julia also asked for a gift card to Toys R Us. I stopped on the way home to purchase a $10 gift card. It’s a good thing I did.

On Christmas morning, the first thing she pulled out when her little hand reached into her stocking was the gift card. Excitedly, she opened it up. “HOW DID HE KNOW?” she asked.
It was one of those holiday moments I will always remember. Santa passed his test that year. Way to go Santa!!!

A Great Easter

The Easter Egg Hunt (2004)

We were visiting at Grandma's house and had planned to head home to "dive" Easter eggs. That's when Uncle Bob innocently asked four-year-old Julia if she had been on any Easter egg hunts. She didn't know what an Easter egg hunt was, so Uncle Bob explained it. What a fantastic idea! Right then she wanted to hunt for eggs. Problem: we had no eggs at Grandma's. They sat, uncooked, in our refrigerator at home.
This fact did not deter Julia in any way. She was on a mission to find eggs: any eggs, any where. RIGHT NOW!
Logically, I thought we could clear this up with a simple explanation. . . .

In order to have an EFFECTIVE Easter egg hunt, a person
(or a bunny) needs to hide eggs first.

We waited until we were ready to leave Grandma's house and were further delayed on the way home, stopping to pick up job applications for 18-year-old, big sister, Kerry. "Grown ups" can be so slow when there are important things to do!
Utterly exhausted, Julia napped in the car and after at least 20 minutes we finally arrived home.
Kerry and I strolled in the house, but Julia leaped out of the car to search for eggs. Surely she'd find a few if she looked all over the yard. She searched the front and then the back yards.
Wait a minute!!!! After a good 10 to 15 minutes of searching, she found NO eggs. She marched inside to complain.
"Look, Julia, see them in the refrigerator?" I said opening the door to peek at the cardboard boxes full of white eggs. "We just need to 'dive' them and then we can have a nice Easter egg hunt, OK?"

It sure took a long time. ALMOST FOREVER! We waited for the big, shiny pots of eggs to boil. We spread newspaper across the table. We filled up our coffee mugs with smelly stuff, dye and water. We watched as the dye colored the eggs: blue, red, green, and yellow, orange, purple. Yah, I guess they're pretty, but when can we HUNT for them?
Luckily, after forever, Grandma came to the rescue. She hid a couple dozen brightly colored eggs on the back deck.
Julia was delighted! Wow, this was fun! And while she was finally hunting for eggs, Kerry stole some "already found" eggs and hid them in the front yard. Grandma and Kerry had a great system going, stealing and "rehiding" eggs over and over and over again. Julia never tired of it.
We're not even sure if she caught on to the fact that she was finding the same eggs over and over again. But it didn't matter. All that mattered was this Easter egg hunt was wonderful! Finding each egg produced excitement; from the first one found to the 150th . (You might think that was an exaggeration. It's not!) What a magical Easter memory!
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